loving her softly

I think I heard my oldest daughter's heart finish ripping in half last night.
It was the most sorrowful sound.
Even so, there was hope.
We were wrapping up a great day, week really.  I was making pizzas and she offered to help me finish. We both sprinkled cheese over the crusts and washed our hands.
"Thanks, babe." I said as she walked out of the room.
By the time I had put the pizzas in the oven, she was back in the kitchen crying and yelling.  She sat on the steps, held her face in her hands and sobbed.  I heard the word Ukraine many times, and it was clear that she was NOT HAPPY.
I sat next to her with my iphone for translation assistance and asked her what was wrong.
Many things were typed into my phone.  We sat on the steps type/talking through dinner.

What was the bottom line?

She understood that while this whole time she has planned that she would go back to Ukraine as soon as possible, there is no one there waiting for her.
There is no one to help her there.
She has nothing there.

How her heart broke when this became clear to her.

Just what exactly brought this on?  I believe it was a few minutes of furtive wifi use while we were at McDonalds.  We do not give the children unlimited access at home, but we don't restrict the occasional free hotspot.  She was able to see that people (a boy) she cares about had already moved on.  Mixed in with that was continued sorrow about her mother and her past and the stark difference between life with us and the life she lived prior.
It is a very heavy thing to love someone who was supposed to protect and take care of you but didn't.  How do you reconcile that in your soul?

Imagine this with me:
This woman I don't know shows up out of nowhere with her husband, they tell me they love me and my three siblings, give me their name, a home and a family.

BOOM.

How does that work?
My own mother, who gave birth to me, loves me but failed to do any of those things.
Does that mean she didn't really love me?
Is it a betrayal to like this new life?
Does it mean I don't love her?

As her mom, it is difficult to realize that the weight my acceptance and unconditional love is actually crushing her sometimes.

How do you love someone softly?

I tell her that I am so very sorry that her life has been so difficult for so long.  I tell her that her mother clearly loved her, but that her love was not enough to protect and care for her properly.  I tell her I wish that had not been true, but that I have no power to change the past.  I can only take care of from now on, and that it is a blessing from God that I get to do that for her.

Here is what I know.
My daughter was upset, heart broken really.  Of all the places she could go to cry out in pain, she made sure to come to the room where I was so that I could give her the comfort she needed.

And I did, because I am her mom.

How Love grows

There are many people in my home.
Most of them love me.
One of them wants to love me but mourns her losses and dreams and schemes of going back.
One of them loves me more and more after every tantrum is spent and I controlled when she could not.
One of them does not wish to like it here and does not wish to love me.  She intends to be a tenant.
One of them just goes with the flow and is enjoying his new life and family in a very unconnected way that says, "I will enjoy this while it lasts."

It is odd to have your heart walk around outside your body in forms that do not recognize your love for what it is.  That can't help but neglect it and reject it and ignore it and long for it.

It is my joy to seize a moment to offer the comfort that my child didn't even know she needed: to hold her in my arms, stroke her hair, cry over her as her own tears fall,  to see her consternation over my tears for her fade in the comfort of my arms.  To know that in that moment, she understands that I love her.  It fades, but it will be back again.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces to have her share the tragedy that was suspected but unconfirmed until she tapped it out on my translate app.

It is frustrating to know that one of my children understands nearly every word I say but will not communicate with me in English and refuses to assist when her siblings are trying to talk to me.

It saddens me to see my son skittish around quick movements and to feel him flinch if an affectionate touch lingers to long.

It brings me joy to hear a new voice ring out, "Mama, Mama! Come here!"  To hold this little girl as she squeezes me around the neck and showers me with kisses.

There are strangers in my home.  
They do not love me.
They may never love me.
They do not have to.
I love them more than life itself.
It is enough.

Finally all together!

We have been home for 2 and a half weeks.  I finally have a moment to write about how things are going.

First, I wish to thank all of you for your prayers while we were out of the country.  I know that many people were praying for me and that your petitions to the Father brought me comfort and relief.
I also wish to thank the kind people who donated to cover the expense of Scott's last minute trip to bring us home.  In the ultimate example of God working all things together for our good, let me tell you what my humbling heart experience meeting your generosity brought about:

IF SCOTT HAD NOT COME BACK TO BRING US HOME, WE WOULD NOT HAVE COME HOME THE DAY WE DID.  IN FACT, WE WOULD HAVE HAD TO STAY IN UKRAINE FOR 5 MORE DAYS!!!!!

On February 6th, Scott went to the embassy to sign all the necessary paperwork.  I had equipped him with a list of forms he was to sign along with said forms filled out and ready.  Some of the forms had changed and those were replaced.  He signed where they told him to sign and kept him from signing a few others.  He asked a number of times about the forms he was told NOT to sign.  Each time he was assured that only I would need to sign them, so when he was done he left the embassy and got on his flight early the next morning.  Fast forward to March 6th.  We are at our final interview when we discover that the I600 was the form they told him not to sign.  If he had not been there in person to sign, I would not have been issued the visas.  They would not have been given to me until a signed form FROM SCOTT was received.  He would have had to fly out or go downtown with notarized forms to get an appostille to then be sent DHL to me.  I shudder to think of how that blog post would have read!

So to these generous people who saw my need and met it financially, I owe you A HUGE DEBT OF GRATITUDE !  I cried many tears of joy over all of you and your kind hearts.

Edward Z.

Tesney D.

RD C.

William L.

Ali H.

Keith H.

Jennifer Z.

Crystal S.

Matthew L.

Lynn J.

Gina H.

Amy W.

Michele V.

Samantha K.

Sheryl S.

Kristen L.

Nicole B.

Kathrine E.

Katherine G.

Julia McK.

Ruthanne F.

Deb S.

Susan K.

I must leave to pick up the bigs from youth group, so I will write how everyone is doing in a later post.
Philippians 1:3
I thank my God for every remembrance of you!

I'm coming out...

For a twist, I am going to write all about me in this post.
How I am changing.
How I am growing.
How in my weakness, He gives me strength.

I am a girl who is used to taking care of myself.  If something needs to be done, I do it.  I just keep going.  I totally believe that people need help, and I am always there to help anyone anytime.
Guess what?
I never ask for help.
I never admit I need help.
I don't even know I need it most of the time.
I never realize that the weight of what I carry would joyfully be taken up by someone more equipped than I.  How emasculating it must be for my husband that I never rely on him for anything.  Oh, the destruction my pride has had on our relationship.  Because, "I GOT IT!"

This trip has taught me that I need help, I need to ask for it, and I need to accept it.

It started out with money.  Dear friends began raising funds to redeem my children.  That had never happened before.  Once here, dear friends bought tickets so my children and I could go to the circus.  Then it got even more personal.  My darling Vika started throwing tantrums.  She is naturally overwhelmed by everything that is going on and has some emotional breaks.  It is difficult to deal with in the apartment, almost impossible when out of it.  It is hard to say what will set one off, but the truth is, we need to leave these walls sometimes.  If you have ever been to Kiev, you know that while everyone walks everywhere, it is not the friendliest pedestrian terrain.  Ice, snow, mud, small lakes puddles, hills and cobble stone hamper the hardiest of souls.  Don't get me started on the traffic.
Try to navigate that while leading 3 children and carrying a screaming and thrashing 6 year old.
 When you are out of shape.
And possibly suffer from exercise induced asthma.  (seriously, I wheeze and cough for hours after carrying her up a hill and up the stairs to the apartment.  What is THAT all about?)
And then find out on Thursday that you will not be leaving on Tuesday as you had hoped, but instead you can pin your hopes on a possible Thursday flight.  I know that in reality it meant that we would leave less than 48 hours later than I had originally thought, but in my mind it screamed ANOTHER WEEK!
Another week to navigate potential public tantrums.
Another week to worry that your daughter is going to start vomiting again and possibly need to go to the hospital.
Another week to have same daughter talk to God knows who on the phone until all hours of the night, but not wanting to take the phone away because in 7 short days, her whole life is going to be ripped away.
Another week to wonder if same daughter is going to reach the last straw of her overly understanding attitude and loose it when the weight of her life change comes crashing down around her.
And here is me. standing here with my "I GOT IT" attitude, trying to figure out just how I am going to manage it.
Knowing in my heart that I can't.
I can't manage it by my self, but I didn't know how to let myself ask for the help I need.
I DON'T GOT IT.

So I'm coming out.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

New Century Version (NCV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me. ¹⁰ For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.

My name is Traci, and I am a prideful control freak who is here to say I need help.

I can't do this by my self.

Scott is getting on a plane today and will be here Sunday afternoon.
He will bring us home.
I don't know who is watching the kids.
I don't know if he's equipped them with Dasha's meds routine.
I don't know how he's paying for the ticket.
I don't have it.
But that's ok.
Someone else does.

It's time to start waiting on my babies.

Here in this place, this in-between, when the old life is gone but the new life has not yet started, I see glimpses of what will be in the very near future.  We have 4 children who are only recently Heims.
In fact, I held the first official Heim Family meeting yesterday.  There were only a few items to discuss, some funny and a little gross, and some that touch much more deeply on areas of growth that are going to be uncomfortable if not down right painful.

Item #1: Please put the TP into the toilet.  I know that the plumbing in the orphanage could not sustain it, but here in this apartment, where everyone agrees I would win house hunters international (it's truly a fabulous apartment, doesn't even look like Ukraine) it is absolutely FINE to flush the paper.
PLEASE FLUSH THE PAPER.  I AM GROSSED OUT EMPTYING THE GARBAGE CAN.

Item #2:
I told them that I needed a little respect.  I asked if they understood that according to the Ukrainian and American governments, I am their mom.
They said yes.
I said that because of that, I needed to be called something other than just Traci.  They could choose Mrs. Traci, Mom Traci, or just mom, but I would no longer answer to just Traci.


Samantha, the oldest and formerly known as Masha, has called me mom from the start.  Sasha seems to have a very "whatever" attitude and called me Traci because that is what he had been told my name was.  So he decided on Mom too.  Alina, who clearly is going to be the biggest boulder I have to push, (even though Vika throws some fabulous tantrums) has been very obvious in her desire not to come under my authority.  She most definitely would like nothing better than to call me just Traci.  Just Traci implies that I am a contemporary, someone who is just here for her convenience.  Not someone with any jurisdiction.  She has decided on Mrs. Traci, although she would like to call me mam (ma'am).  Vika has made it obvious that she does not accept that she is Vika Heim.  She has moments when she simply is overwhelmed with this life shift, she can't wrap her mind around it, so she shuts down and starts crying inconsolably until she is in a full rage.  We have had 3 episodes so far, and I am sure there will be more, but while everyone is upset by them, after each she is more and more comfortable.  Samantha is the most distressed by them.  Last night she kept saying she was sorry.  I told her that unless she was planning to be the one screaming and thrashing, she had nothing to be sorry for.
"But you thought Vika was normal." relayed with the assistance of google translate.

"Oh, Samantha.  Vika is normal.  This behavior is NORMAL"

How could she not shut down sometimes?  I would be horribly deluded  if I didn't expect and prepare for this.

It has been four years since I brought anyone older home, and almost 2 years since my last adoption.  I remembered something I wrote and read it again.  It was a good reminder to me about what I need to expect, and What is NORMAL.

You may not need to read it again, but it was a great heart check for me:


THE BLANKET

When every baby is born they are given a blanket. This blanket is supposed to be warm and soft and protective. It usually has beautiful colors and satin edging. It is wrapped around the baby and the baby is at peace.

Sometimes, the blanket is old. It hasn't been washed and it is made of burlap, but it is wrapped around the baby, and even though it is a little smelly and scratchy, the baby is at peace.

The blanket for this baby has big problems. There are holes in it. It looks like it had satin edging once, but that has been torn away. It may have had soft pastel colors, but it is now a dull and dirty brownish grey. It is wrapped as best it can be around the baby, and the baby clings to it for peace. But the baby is cold and can't get comfortable. Now, both the baby and the blanket are dirty and smelly, but it is the baby's blanket, and baby holds on to what little comfort it knows, and tries to have peace.

Suddenly, the blanket is ripped away. Baby cries and reaches for the blanket, but it is gone. Baby knows it wasn't a good blanket, a warm and soft blanket, but it was baby's, and with it baby knew the only peace that baby has ever known.
Someone has wrapped a new blanket around baby. It has pretty satin edging and soft fleece. It smells fresh and inviting, but baby throws it off. That is NOT Baby's blanket. Where is baby's blanket? Baby cries and cries as the new blanket is wrapped back around baby's body. Baby notices warmth that baby has never felt before. This is a trick. Yes it is warm, but IT IS NOT MINE!!!!! Baby had better not get used to this. Baby doesn't have a warm, soft blanket. Baby only knows the scratchy, dirty and cold blanket. Baby kicks it away.

Baby is cold and lonely and misses the old blanket.

Baby toys with the edge of the new blanket. Baby feels that it is soft and inviting. Baby can tell it is warm. Maybe baby will just hold the edge of this blanket for a while. It is not baby's blanket, but it is here, and baby is sad and needs comfort.
Someone keeps trying to wrap the whole blanket around baby, but baby still throws it off. Baby will only hold the edge. Why won't baby take the blanket? Can't baby see how much better this blanket is? It is warm, it is soft. Come on, it is polar fleece!! What is baby's problem? It is such a great blanket!!
Baby continues to reject the entire blanket, but is still holding on to the edge. Eventually, baby can cover one arm and rub baby's face with more of the blanket, but baby stops short of wrapping up in it. The new blanket providers have stopped trying to force baby to wrap up in the blanket, and have accepted that baby can't or won't use the whole thing, and have settled on waiting on baby. Sometimes baby brings the blanket to them and asks them to drape it over baby's arm in just the right way so that the satin edge touches baby's face the way baby likes it. This continues for a time and baby realizes that even though baby misses the old blanket, baby has a peace that baby has not known before. Baby thinks it might be this new blanket. Baby is torn. Baby misses old blanket, but old blanket didn't protect baby like new blanket does. New blanket is warm. New blanket smells good and is so very soft.

Old blanket is gone.

One day, baby needs help with the new blanket. Baby takes it to the ones who gave it to baby and they wrap it gently around baby's shoulders. Baby holds on tight to the blanket and baby is at peace.

My babies have had their old blanket for a very long time.  It will be a while longer still before they accept this new Heim blanket as their own.

Thoughts on Adoption and the Gospel

I imagine it is no surprise that adoption is on my mind.  I have some thoughts and I hope I can capture the essence of what is weighing heavy on me.
I was blessed to attend church while here in Ukraine.  The service is in Ukrainian, but there is a translator who sits off to the left.  While the pastor is speaking, he translates for the Americans sitting near him.
After the service I was speaking with someone who asked me a familiar question,"Why are you adopting?  What do people mean when they say they have been "called" to adopt?"

I know that you have read many thoughts about adoption and redemption, the function of the church body,  the gospel and adoption as the best representation of the gospel in action.

I suppose these thoughts I have center really upon this last idea.

I think about God and His love for me.

I think about how I do not deserve it.

I think about how I cannot earn it.

I think about how I cannot even desire it without God gifting me with this desire.

I think that in and of myself I have no redeeming qualities that would compel God to love me.

Speaking of God we read in Luke 6:35 "...He is kind even to people who are ungrateful and full of sin."

That is me, ungrateful and full of sin.

And He LOVES ME ANYWAY.

How many observers of adoptive families are dumbfounded that the children who have been adopted seem ungrateful, angry even?  The children don't seem to appreciate what has been done for them, sometimes even resent it.  How can that be when everything is now SO MUCH BETTER!  It's like the kids don't LOVE their parents.  Especially when they first come home.
Of all the nerve...
And there go those fool parents loving them anyway.  Meeting their needs anyway.  Relentless in their love for these ungrateful, unloveable castoffs who were so LUCKY to have been rescued...

Do you remember the children's church song:
Praise Him, praise Him all ye little children
God is love, God is love,
Praise Him, praise Him all ye little children
God is love, God is love.

If God is love and we know what love is, we will know what God is.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek it's own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails...

So just how is adoption the gospel?

When this train of thought began, I just kept thinking about the phrase "through a glass darkly".  I found it quite interesting that it lands itself right at the end of the chapter about love.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13
for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I have been fully known.  But now faith, hope, love abide these three: but the greatest of these is love.

This way we love our adopted children, who have done nothing to earn our love, don't deserve it, didn't even ask for it, and don't always even have the desire for it, benefit from our love anyway.

 This love is the closest thing on Earth that is like God's love for us.  This is how we see God's love for us as through a glass darkly.  In this love we can catch a glimpse, almost grasp HIS LOVE FOR US.

 It is seen through adoption.  

After all, the act of adoption is how God has brought us into His family.  Joint heirs with Christ Jesus.

1. Romans 8:15
   For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”
2. Romans 8:23
   And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for ouradoption as sons, the redemption of our body.
3. Romans 9:4
   who are Israelites, to whom belongs the adoption as sons, and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the temple service and the promises,
4. Galatians 4:5
   so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.
5. Ephesians 1:5
   He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will,

So are we a family of 12, or what?

Short answer...
YES!
Long answer...
It looked like court was going to be a fail on Tuesday.  It was scheduled for 1:30, (lunch time for my kids) but the prosecutor was not there.  Around 3, I ran to the corner magazine (tiny store) and bought bread, cheese, bananas, juice and water for a courthouse picnic.

Finally, a little after 4:00, court began.  Everyone seemed pleased that we were there and that the children were joining the family.  They read over the paperwork, we petitioned the court for what we wanted:
favorable determination regarding the adoption
minor name changes, but not to date or place of birth
and recognize us as parents in the records.
One of the jurors, each court has 2 who represent the community and weigh in on the decisions, asked an odd question.  Our interpreter had trouble even grasping what he was asking.  It started with if we attended church.  We said yes.  He then wanted to know if the children did not want to attend the church of that religion would we make them go.  (this was after much confusion and re-questioning)
We stated that we attended a Christian church and that the children also currently attend a Christian church, because that is the practice of the church-run orphanage that they live in.
He pressed about if they wanted to choose another religion would we make them go to ours?
I finally said that it seems that it seems it is universal practice that children attend church with their parents if and where their parents attend, and that these children would attend church with us, but that we would never try to force their hearts to believe something that they didn't willingly embrace.
This seemed to satisfy his line of questioning and we moved on.
The session came to a close and we were asked to leave so the judge could make her determination.  Within minutes we were being congratulated on our new family.

Scott presented each of the children with a rose after court.  To ensure his masculinity, Sasha did not smile and held his like a rifle.  He is a man's man.

Scott left this morning (Thursday) and I will remain until we can all come home.  because my 10 days are up on a Saturday and the following Monday the office is closed, adding to that the fact that the embassy is closed the final Monday of each month, while I hope I am home by the end of February, I will not be surprised if our return is pushed into the very beginning of March.  I hope that things move at a supernatural pace and we are home before that, but know that what will be will be.  

While I wait I will be able to visit children in a hospital with a missionary friend, and have a new friend who is also here in Kiev that I have become close with.  We have a fast friendship forged by our Father in the fire of adoption.  Bonds of this nature are strong and true: shout out to Julia Nalle, Stephanie Nance, and the Yokums, to name but a few.