I think I heard my oldest daughter's heart finish ripping in half last night.
It was the most sorrowful sound.
Even so, there was hope.
We were wrapping up a great day, week really. I was making pizzas and she offered to help me finish. We both sprinkled cheese over the crusts and washed our hands.
"Thanks, babe." I said as she walked out of the room.
By the time I had put the pizzas in the oven, she was back in the kitchen crying and yelling. She sat on the steps, held her face in her hands and sobbed. I heard the word Ukraine many times, and it was clear that she was NOT HAPPY.
I sat next to her with my iphone for translation assistance and asked her what was wrong.
Many things were typed into my phone. We sat on the steps type/talking through dinner.
What was the bottom line?
She understood that while this whole time she has planned that she would go back to Ukraine as soon as possible, there is no one there waiting for her.
There is no one to help her there.
She has nothing there.
How her heart broke when this became clear to her.
Just what exactly brought this on? I believe it was a few minutes of furtive wifi use while we were at McDonalds. We do not give the children unlimited access at home, but we don't restrict the occasional free hotspot. She was able to see that people (a boy) she cares about had already moved on. Mixed in with that was continued sorrow about her mother and her past and the stark difference between life with us and the life she lived prior.
It is a very heavy thing to love someone who was supposed to protect and take care of you but didn't. How do you reconcile that in your soul?
Imagine this with me:
This woman I don't know shows up out of nowhere with her husband, they tell me they love me and my three siblings, give me their name, a home and a family.
How does that work?
My own mother, who gave birth to me, loves me but failed to do any of those things.
Does that mean she didn't really love me?
Is it a betrayal to like this new life?
Does it mean I don't love her?
As her mom, it is difficult to realize that the weight my acceptance and unconditional love is actually crushing her sometimes.
How do you love someone softly?
I tell her that I am so very sorry that her life has been so difficult for so long. I tell her that her mother clearly loved her, but that her love was not enough to protect and care for her properly. I tell her I wish that had not been true, but that I have no power to change the past. I can only take care of from now on, and that it is a blessing from God that I get to do that for her.
Here is what I know.
My daughter was upset, heart broken really. Of all the places she could go to cry out in pain, she made sure to come to the room where I was so that I could give her the comfort she needed.
And I did, because I am her mom.